How Do I Establish Financial Boundaries With My Spouse?

Our live caller wants to know how to make effective, financial boundaries with her husband who’s in an affair.

She says that she can’t cover all the utilities by herself, so when her husband pays late, it adds additional penalties.

Kimberly Holmes asks, “When you initially set the boundary/STOP with your husband, what was the consequence for him not following through with it?”

Our live caller explains now having a consequence is the main issue. She says she doesn’t have control of things that would enact a consequence. She can’t stop her contribution on payments- she needs to keep the power on.

She explains that everything she’s tried saying to her husband doesn’t effect change.

Jim Pourteau explains when people think of STOPs and Boundaries, they look at them as something they can place on their spouse. However, boundaries are about safety for you and what you can control.

Right now, this caller needs to make decisions that…
-Consider the long-term of their relationship
-Address the security of where she is

Since they both know about the affair, she could have a conversation, saying: “Hey you’re taking that money again and you know that we need it. I’m not telling you how to live your life, I’m just asking that you respect what we have right now- for both of our futures, no matter what you choose to do.” (In this way, she’s NOT controlling her husband and not moving him in a particular direction. Rather, her focus is on mutual benefit.)

She needs to use the “Approach Motive.” In the “Approach Motive,” you may do (or not do) something because of the mutual benefit. This differs from the “avoidance motive.” In the “avoidance motive” you choose to do (or not do) something based on pain that it causes.

If you want more tips on boundaries, check out our Podcast: “The Guide to Boundaries” with Dr. Joe Beam here:

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